So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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