I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
