I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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