Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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