I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
