Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
