I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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