My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
