FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
