and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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