I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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