Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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