Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
