I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
