just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
