after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How does it feel to date your dad?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
