for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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