I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
