Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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