I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
