i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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