did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
