Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
