I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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