i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
