I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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