Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
