last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
