I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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