and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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