Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
