Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
