I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
