Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if only i could text you this smell
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
