My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
