woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
