Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
