Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
