Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
