Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
