I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
