I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
