Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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