Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
