My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
