oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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