kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
