my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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