Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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