Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
