Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
