I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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