My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
