Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
