jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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