Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
